I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
oh god was she eating orange peels again
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
sex in a hospital.. check
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
