Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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