I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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