There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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