Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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