It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
