help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
