other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
