FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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