Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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