Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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