I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
