I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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