Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
