So drunk its hurt
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
