What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
