I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
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I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
3 2 1 whiskey
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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