Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
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I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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