Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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