Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
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buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
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I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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