I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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