Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
