remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
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His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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