I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
