She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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