she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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