I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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