oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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