There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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