The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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