Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
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