Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I feel like abortions should bother me more
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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