he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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