Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
