the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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