we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
