We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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