I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
