I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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