Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
