i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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