No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
