Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
