I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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