The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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