Whod you bang
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
