one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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