my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
