Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
