I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
