A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
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Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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