the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
