I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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