I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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