my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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