So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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